Today I decided I’d make myself some chocolate pudding. Yum. I had found the box the night before and thought it would make for a suitable 3 o’clock snack dinner the next day. Oh how I couldn’t wait to eat some puddin’! So now it’s Monday, puddin’ day. I get my silver mixing bowl, milk & chocolate puddin’ powder & proceed to mix. After I’m done mixing I let it sit in the fridge for about 15 minutes. The box recommends 5, but the box is lies. Puddin’ takes time, good puddin’ anyway and 5 minutes ain’t no right amount ‘o time.

Times up. Time to eat. As I studied the bowl I noticed how the puddin’ was practically overflowing. Tis a lot of puddin’. I knew if I ate it all at once there’d be repercussions, but I didn’t care. Besides, puddin’ is a food you eat at one sitting. You don’t eat a little bit at 3pm, then finish it off at 7pm. You eat it all at once like me, like a man. Mission accomplished. Puddin’ is in my stomach.

“Meanwhile”…oh puddin’ you delicious temptress whore. How I loathe thee. My stomach pains and it grumbles. I have to shit. And shit I do. You’re probably thinking I had ridiculous diarrhea. Well don’t get your hopes up cause everything came out solid and A okay. A little skinny, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, if I knew I’d eaten something out of the ordinary that day, like puddin’ for instance, I have this curiosity to smell what I leave behind. Now the smell wasn’t worse than any other crap I took. It was average. But what I did smell was hot. Now you’re asking me, “Joe, how can you smell hot in shit? How can you smell hot at all? Hot is a sense of feeling, a sense of touch, not smell.” Well I wouldn’t exactly know how to answer you. I do however have a heightened sense of smell, at least that’s what I believe as it seems I’m always the first to smell good or bad things, mostly bad things. Also, certain types of cologne bring me to the border of having a heart attack, but that’s just me. Anyway, the shit smelled hot, like poisonous fumes rising off the toiler paper. That’s the best I can describe it and that’s the best you’re gonna get until you experience it for yourself. You don’t know hot shit until you’ve had hot shit. I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m sure there are others out there just dying to share their hot shit story.

If you’re looking for a moral to this story, I guess it would be to not eat a whole bowl of pudding in one sitting. But then again, if you didn’t finish it one sitting, you wouldn’t be a man. I’m a man, I’m a man alright. I’m a man who every now and then likes to eat an abnormal amount of pudding and smell his own shit.

As I finish writing this it is 11pm, exactly 8 hours after I ate the puddin’. I’m still farting.